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Throughout my life, I’ve witnessed this quite often. Someone is hurting or in a bad situation, and they need support from a person they trust who is close to them. They vent their problems to that person. Typically, they are seeking advice looking for help, or simply needing someone to listen. The person they are looking to is quick to jump in with all kinds of solutions. Many times, the person listening gets worked up themselves, after all, they see and hear their friend or family member hurting and want to help. Although their heart might be in the right place, their quick reaction to advise can be very misguided, not well thought out, and even more hurtful if carried out. In fact, the reaction to their friend’s trouble can be so fast that they rarely stop and think about the ramifications of what their advice might bring about if their friend takes them up on it. I, myself, have been guilty of this.
I think it’s safe to say that at some point in your life unless you live in a bubble, there will come a time when your advice will be sought out by someone you care about. The question is how seriously do you take the advice you’re giving in times like these? Do you really stop and think through the advice you give? Or do you just let your emotions at that moment about the situation dictate the advice you give? Let’s discuss a few examples where the stakes are pretty high.
How about a marriage? When a friend is struggling in their marriage and airing out the dirty laundry of their relationship with their spouse to us, what kind of advice are we quick to give? Do we consider how our advice would actually help the situation? Or is it too entertaining for us to immerse ourselves in the middle of the drama to douse gasoline on a small flame to turn it into an explosion? Are we more interested in helping tear down the foundation of a marriage that shouldn’t be lost? And do we even know the difference? Quite frankly, how easy is it to throw away someone else’s marriage?
How about unruly children? Are we quick to offer solutions with a prideful boast of what we would do if it was our kid when deep down you know that there’s no way on God’s green earth that you’d ever do to your own child what you just suggested to your friend? Are you reveling in the fact that you’re not dealing with the same issues in your own household?
How about strained friendships or strained family relationships? Once again, do we give advice laced with pride that would only hurt the relationship further rather than offer a word of advice that might help to make amends and build a bridge back to reconciliation of that relationship?
What about bad working environments or dealing with tough co-workers?
The situations where you’re asked to put your two cents of advice in can be endless. After all, as humans, this is more the norm than the outlier. In fact, sometimes we want to interject our views even when it’s not asked for.
This begs the question: Is the drama of situations like those mentioned above just too juicy or entertaining for us to let real, productive, loving advice get in the way?
The Have Character message here is to highly consider a few things and apply them the very best we can when giving advice. Let’s walk through those together and I hope there is something here for all of us to think about.
The first is to have empathy. Can we objectively put ourselves in the shoes of the person hurting and truly try to understand their pain? How might we then be able to offer some perspective that will help them? When we start off doing everything we can to put ourselves in their shoes, maybe then, our advice will come from a foundation of love that might actually help.
The second is long-term thinking. When giving the advice we are about to give, how might this affect them in the long run if they take our advice? Are we giving advice that offers short-term gratification that will lead to long-term, regretful destruction? If we think of their long-term benefit, our advice might change to something very productive for them.
The third is the care we truly have for the person we’re giving advice to. Is the advice we’re giving them truly out of the love we have for them? If we truly care for them, we might be careful to think our advice through before giving it.
The fourth, and maybe just as important as all the others, is to think of the other side of this problem and the other person involved. Might they need help here and yet are not present to give their side or ask for the help they might need as well? Will the advice we give help the other side of this problem? Think about this for a moment. Keep in mind, that for relationships to flourish, both sides need to come together. When you give advice that might give the other side a voice, maybe it will help your loved one see things a little differently…most importantly maybe getting them to realize the other side is hurting too and their perspective matters too. Maybe with your help, they can now start to see their side of things that they couldn’t see before.
If you apply these 4 things when giving advice, here are some of the results that might happen:
Struggling marriage: Your advice might put your loved one on the road to starting to rebuild a bridge or mend fences, helping your friend get to a higher ground in their marriage with their spouse.
Unruly children: Your advice might give them healthy options they didn’t think of before that might resonate with their child. Maybe you have something loving to offer that puts them on a path of productivity. Maybe this might help them, not only correct the child but ultimately help the parent-child relationship grow into what it should be. Here in this situation, thinking of the long-term development of the child will help them even if they can’t see it now, but it will come later! Maybe your loved one needs this perspective that they can’t see in the here and now. Unfortunately, that’s how the difficult job of parenting works, but not always easily seen in the fog of the problem being dealt with at the moment.
Strained friendships or family relationships: Just like a struggling marriage we might help bridge the gap back to reconciliation instead of widening the gap that ends up in a lost relationship.
When it comes to giving advice, almost always, advice sought from us where the stakes are very high will always be about what truly matters: human relationships. It surely won’t be on trivial things like what to watch on TV tonight, what to do this weekend, or what good movie is out at the movie theater. Instead, it will always be about a relationship with another human being.
In times like these, be prepared to think. Believe it or not, the person coming to you, even though they might not say it, could very well be depending on you for a solution they desperately need. They very well may need a fresh set of eyes and ideas. Very seldom, if ever, are they looking for you to help tear down the walls of their relationship…that has already been happening without your involvement. Think empathetically, think about long-term ramifications for them over short-term gratification, make sure your advice is deep in love for the person you’re giving advice to, and finally think of how this might help the person on the other side of the problem. It is up to you not to squander this opportunity to help!
My advice to all of us is this: If any type of desire for the entertainment of the drama of a situation seep into our advice, get rid of it. The advice we are about to give at that point is garbage! It will not only be unproductive but destructive! If you care about the person coming to you, you cannot let this happen. Think of your brain like a computer with a recycle bin. Find the delete button, dump the garbage advice in there to send it to the recycle bin, and then empty the recycle bin to get rid of it permanently.
And one final note which is the most important in all of this: As a Christian, the Bible is quite clear in how we should handle this and the authority in guiding us. Matthew 7:12 (ESV) says this, “So in everything, do to others what you would have them do to you, for this sums up the Law and the Prophets.” This is the Golden Rule. So, we should always ask ourselves this: With the advice I am about to give to my friend, would I be able to apply this advice to myself if I were in the same situation, and if I did, would it truly help me or hurt me?
When it comes to giving advice, think it through. Be the person those around you can count on to give a word of wisdom that can truly make a difference in their life!
Lord, please give me the strength and wisdom to take my own advice here!
Have Character!
J. Noah Russell
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