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When I ponder the phrase “I love you” many things come to mind. When given some deep thought, this phrase can be pretty interesting even though it seems so simple. I think it is one of the most intriguing phrases that can have many positive and negative powers. I know that might sound strange. Let me try to explain.
How can this phrase be negative? Well, when said on the back end of abuse it robs the words of what their true meaning should be. In other words, many times abusers use these words as they manipulate and abuse another. In relationships, this can be easily seen. If you have an abusive parent to a child, they might utter these words on the back end of the abuse as they shape the child into thinking that the abuse is not bad. Instead, they tie the abuse to “love” when these words are spoken. In the same way, in an abusive marriage or romantic relationship, these words might be used on the tail end of the abuse as well. Again, it is used to mask what is really happening and has such a damaging impact on the person being abused, so much so, that those around the one being abused might see the obvious abuse while they cannot. After all, the abuser is telling them, “I love you.” In these cases, the phrase “I love you” is hijacked into the wicked world of evil having very negative, destructive power. Sadly, for the abused, this paragraph will be hard to grasp, but for those in healthy relationships, this will be easy to understand.
With that being said, I want to transition to something that might not be nearly as horrible as the above. However, it might just rob the words of their strong meaning as well, just in a subtle way that we don’t pay attention to. And I think if we all think this through, it might just hit home for all of us as we may find ourselves guilty of this. Stay with me on this because at the end will come the answer to the title of this blog, along with the challenge I have for all of us.
I am going to ask anyone reading this to think of when you use the words, “I love you.” Even deeper, do you ever use the words at all or very little? Maybe using these words makes you feel too vulnerable to utter them. Going even deeper still, I am going to ask you how often do you use these words, when do you use them, and do you shorten them? For example, when you say you love someone, when do you typically say it? Is it on the back end of a conversation on the phone, on the back end of visiting with family or friends, when your kids are walking out the door, or when you’re dropping them off at school? And now when you say “I Love You” do you shorten it to “Love ya” or “Love you too” in response when it is said to you? Or maybe even worse…wait for it…you say “Ditto” because you can’t bring yourself to even say the words.
Let’s keep going. Are these words often said quickly like it’s just an end farewell like, “goodbye”? Give yourself a few moments to really think it through.
Now I am going to ask you this: When is the last time you said the words, “I love you” with deep thought and meaning to them, so much so, that the person receiving the words from you knows just how much you mean them? When you look back at when you used the words or some form of them, how powerful were they when you said them? Now ask yourself how powerful are they WHENEVER you say them. If you can be honest and say there isn’t much power behind them, I am going to encourage you to change that and I am going to lay out some examples of how to change it. Now keep in mind, I know the quick “I love yous”, “Love ya”, or “Love you toos” will always be there, but I am going to push for a meaningful “I love you” that becomes a part of your love for those in your life…and, if you do say “ditto”, can I lovingly tell you to get that out of your vocabulary for this topic! (I am chuckling while I type this even though I am being serious. Sorry, I do have to lighten this up a little bit as I can feel the vulnerability in the room as I write this😊)
So, before I get to some examples, maybe you might have figured out by now that the strongest letter in the words, “I love you” is the letter “I”. When you don’t shorten the phrase, there is something way more powerful and way more meaningful when you start with the word, “I”. It becomes intentional, it becomes personal, it is strong, and it is said with a purpose! I encourage you to not just say “love ya” or “love you too”…NO! Say, “I …LOVE…YOU!” and mean it!
And when will these words really hit home to the person you are saying it to? The obvious answer is when they need it, but maybe the most powerful is when they don’t need it or don’t see it coming. Because that is when they will know you mean it! When you’re on a phone call with your father or mother, make a point to make sure you say “I love you” during the call, not at the end. Stop them in the middle of the conversation while they are talking and say, “Hey Mom, I don’t mean to cut you off, but listen, I just need you to know, I love you!” Now you might end the call with an “I love you too”, but I guarantee you the one said in the middle of the call will be more important than the one said at the end. I am going to go as far as to say when your mother or father hangs up, I bet those words spoken in the middle of the conversation, those three words that were so important for you to say that you had to break up the conversation to say them, will mean more to them than anything else talked about in that phone call. And here is why: Because they will know, without any doubt, that you were thinking of how much you care about them…and that it was so important for you to let them know… that the conversation you were having with them just had to take a back seat at that moment… because telling them you loved them mattered to you right now. Nothing else was more important.
How about your dad? Maybe your dad is not that guy who can say the words. It might even make for an awkward moment when you say that to your dad and he might not even know what to do with it. Let him respond however he wants or maybe he side-steps it altogether and that is ok. But I can guarantee you, deep down, he is a human being. There are not many fathers out there, no matter how prideful they are, who would not want to hear they are loved by their children. I don’t care if they will admit it or not. Keep in mind the reason you’re doing it. It is to have an impact on them. It is because you want them to know. It has nothing to do with you or me, so we don’t necessarily need to see the results. We can just trust what the results will be. Trust me on this!
How about a call ONLY for the purpose of telling the other person, “I love you.” What if that was the only reason you called them? The ONLY reason. How powerful do you think that will be for them when they get off the phone and think about it?
What about your spouse? We are great at letting that love fall into routine or even worse maybe taking that love for granted. How about making a deliberate effort to say out of the blue, when unexpected, “Hey babe, I just want you to know I love YOU!” The good news about this one is you can wait until you are face to face where not only they can hear your words, but see your face as you look them in the eyes as your words really sink in. That is your life partner and your love for them is real and strong. And it’s important to you that they hear it from you. Or what about a quick phone call to them while you are apart to let them know at that moment they are on your mind? Or in our world of texting, that you shoot them a quick text with just the words, “I love you” so they know without a shadow of a doubt that you are thinking about them even though you are away from each other. This is where the words “I love you” have a very significant, positive power.
What about a friend, brother, sister, children, or anyone important to you? Some form of the above applies to all. I am confident you understand what I mean.
Moving on to my challenge, here is my “I love you” challenge to anyone reading this. Make it intentional. Say it with a purpose. Make it a part of your life moving forward. We only live in this life for a short period of time. Many times, important people in our lives pass away and we never tell them with intention that we loved them. Don’t let an important person in your life leave this planet without them knowing that you deeply love them. Make sure they heard the words from you, “I LOVE YOU”. And start with the word “I”.
Now you might say, “Hey, the important people in my life know I love them?” And that might be true. But if that is the case, you should have no problem telling them with power, meaning, intention, and purpose, “I”…”LOVE YOU”.
If you take me up on this challenge, I want you to pay attention to the results. Some will let you know right away how much it meant to them and maybe some won’t, but I can guarantee you IT WILL MATTER AND IT WILL DEEPLY! Again, trust me on this!
One final note: I need to say something about the words “I love you” or all of this means nothing so please read this a couple of times if needed. And that is this:
The words, “I love you” without action means NOTHING! The words “I love you” backed up by action means EVERYTHING!
If you get anything from this blog, please let it be the above. Nothing will give the words “I love you” more power than the way you show someone how you truly love them!
Have Character!
J. Noah Russell
