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Today, I want to tackle a subject that needs to be discussed. We live in a world where when things go bad, tempers run high instantly. Things get out of control in a hurry and when they do tragedy strikes like lightning coming out of nowhere. When the dust settles lives have been forever changed, and sadly, in the most horrific circumstances, utterly destroyed. I have seen it, heard about it, or read about it so many times. I am talking about when a situation between human beings goes bad.
In thinking about this subject a few situations come to mind. Those scenarios include road rage, chaos at a general sporting event, or worse, parent behavior at a kid’s sporting event. It doesn’t take rocket science to see that our society as a whole has gone off the deep end when it comes to being confronted with these types of situations. It is heartbreaking to watch something spiral so out of control in such a short period of time. It seems so easy to escalate a problem rather than de-escalate the problem. I hope that in the next few paragraphs, I will give us all something to think about. The goal of this blog is to take a deep breath, think through a situation that could go tragic, and be ready to combat that with the ability to de-escalate the threat. Escalation in times like these leads to destruction…de-escalation leads to a calming, peaceful solution. I hope that we want and seek the latter.
I am going to go over 12 key points that I believe, if we truly stopped and thought about these before acting, that our world would be much better for it. Not only that but maybe, just maybe, we might start a trend of caring for each other that could become contagious. I know 12 points might seem like a lot. However, you only need to think of some of these, or even just one of them, to change your whole outlook on how you would respond when an ugly situation starts to rear its ugly head. Or how about this? If you go into life adopting this mindset from the start, then these points will become second nature to you. It will become who you are as a person.
Here we go:
1.) Understand that the person who is being hostile is a human being just like you. They have a family like you, they have hopes and dreams like you, they have emotions like you, they bleed like you, and, yes, they hurt just like you. Now, I know in the moment this can get lost quite easily or worse yet, never even come to mind, but that is why adopting all of this to your life as a whole becomes important. If this isn’t who you are as a person this will be difficult to turn this switch on when staring down the eyes of adversity.
2.) Understand that they blow it just like you. They make mistakes just like you. They can be misguided just like you. They can fly off the handle just like you. They can lose proper perspective just like you. When you look at your fellow human beings through the lens of yourself, giving them the benefit of the doubt will become a lot easier.
3.) Understand there might be circumstances with the other person that you simply do not know of. There could be things lurking in their life that are causing them to act in a certain way. Life is tough, man. If you have any life experience at all, I don’t need to explain this to you.
4.) Make a conscious decision to be better by offering kindness in the face of adversity. This will take you being the bigger person. However, if you have made this who you are instead of trying to decide this in the moment, this will be easier to do. Kindness is an escalation killer! And that is the goal here.
5.) Ok let’s get real selfish here! And I think this might help. Think about your life LONG-TERM and don’t let a short-term crisis ruin your life. I will circle back to this with a true, but tragic story below, to make this one make more sense.
6.) Ok now let’s get real unselfish here! Think about the other person’s life and don’t let a short-term crisis ruin their life either. If you need to swallow your pride to de-escalate a situation to save the other person from themselves, do it! I will circle back to this with a true, but personal life story of my own below, in the hopes of making this make sense as well.
7.) Understand that your reactions could have a tragic effect on the innocent. When a situation escalates to turning into a tragedy, the most affected people by this will be your innocent family members and the innocent family members of the other person. Two men get in a fight that ends tragically…the most affected are wives, children, extended family, and friends of each man involved. Give that some thought.
8.) Commit yourself to being a person of high moral character to avoid a bad situation from developing before it even gets started. This sums it all up without much further explanation needed I don’t think.
9.) Understand that what goes around comes around. You might get the “better” of a situation today, but tomorrow the outcome could be different. In this life, we do reap what we sow. A quick definition of this: you eventually have to face up to the consequences of your actions.
10.) Don’t be afraid to own up to it when you’re the one in the wrong! This is not an easy one to do, but if you make it a goal to be humble in your life, you can do this! What can de-escalate a situation quicker than when you say, “Hey man, that was my fault, I apologize.” Do you know what happens when you do that? Instantly, those around you will gain an appreciation and respect for you. Do you know why? Because honesty, integrity, and humility will demand it even from the wicked. I have seen this happen.
11.) Never underestimate the power of Love. Yes, I said it, and I will say it again but with a stronger purpose. NEVER underestimate the power of LOVE! When you offer love to someone, yes, even one who might want to do you harm, you will disarm them. You will de-escalate the situation very quickly. It is very hard for anyone to return hate when they are given love.
12.) Finally, pray that God gives you wisdom. Make no mistake, I know it is much easier to type this blog than act it out in real life. However, when you pray to God for guidance. He will answer! Pray for wisdom in all situations. Pray for wisdom when unforeseen circumstances arise. Pray for God to protect not just you, but those around you. Man, I am speaking to myself here for sure. This needs to be my prayer and I hope you see the strength in it being yours as well. I am going to be so bold as to say this might be the most important step in all of this if you serve and trust in God.
Three quick stories I want to tell you about as I circle back to #5 and #6 above. The first one is a story in a small town next to my hometown. It was a road rage incident where a man got into a road rage incident with an older gentleman. He and his wife were heading to pick up their two young kids from school when the incident happened. The father got out of the car at a stop light and went to confront the older man and the older man pulled out a gun and shot him dead. The wife saw the whole thing happen right in front of her. Their children waiting at school to be picked up. The older man, 69 at the time of the incident, was convicted and sent to prison. Who was at fault in this is not the reason I tell this story. I tell this story because of all the innocence that was forever affected. Yes, the man lost his life which is tragic and the older gentleman got a life sentence, but maybe even more tragic is two kids that no longer had a dad, a wife who saw her husband get killed, and the older gentleman’s family having to learn about the actions of their loved one that resulted in a man dying. Dare I say that if one, or even better, both of them, had let cooler heads prevail the incident would have been avoided altogether. Such a sad story that has stuck with me from afar for many years. If only de-escalation instead of escalation would have been the answer that day.
The second story is sadly my own story that I have to own up to. I was in high school. I attended a Christian school. We had a kid that was a troubled kid that was sent to our school during the middle of the school year. He was defiant and had been harassing quite a few of the girls in our school. One day, he harassed my high school girlfriend. I found out when I sought out my girlfriend to walk her to her next class. I knew exactly who he was as stories had been going around about what he was doing. Immediately, I found the kid and fought him. I don’t want to glamorize this, so I won’t get into particulars. Instead, let me get to the point here. I found out after our fight that he was kicked out of our school. I also found out he was sent to our school because he was being raised by his grandparents and they were having trouble with him. They thought putting him in a Christian school might help him in his life. That day, I ruined that. I am in middle age and to this day, I sometimes wonder what happened to that kid. Yes, that day made me feel like a noble guy who stood up for his girlfriend when she couldn’t stand up to him herself, but what might have happened with him had I taken a different approach that allowed him to stay at our school? Maybe, just maybe, he would have learned about the God who made him and maybe it could have turned his life around. The good news is my God is way bigger than me. I hope that whatever happened to him, I can only pray that God didn’t allow my immaturity to get in the way of this kid’s grandparents trying to find him help. But if only de-escalation instead of escalation would have been that answer that day.
The third one is also personal. My son played hockey competitively for 10 years. Throughout those 10 years, I saw parents in the stands get nasty with each other more times than I care to admit. A time or two I was able to step in and thankfully rationalize with both sides to get them to call down. One day, on the way home from a heated game, I told my family in the car how crazy it is for parents to let their emotions run so hide that they were on the brink of coming to blows with each other. I told them no one wins in that situation no matter who “comes out on top” if a fight occurs. The person who loses the fight could get fatally hurt depending on how far it goes and the person who won the fight gets to deal with law enforcement and/or lawsuits. All for what? Because of a lack of self-control or lack of putting life in proper perspective? As a father, my priorities once I had a family was no longer me and my pride. If any situation got hostile, my #1 priority was always to get my wife and kids out of danger. Never did my pride get in the way of the #1 priority for me. As a man, it is not easy to swallow your pride when challenged, but when put up against my responsibility as a husband and father, my pride MUST take a back seat. Long-term thinking must be first over short-term satisfaction of feeding the pride of masculinity. It’s that simple.
I want to end this by saying this. Now is the time to take bold action to change our world. To the parents out there who have young kids, and specifically to the fathers, I am speaking to you as you will have the strongest influence here. Start teaching your kids how to de-escalate situations. Let them see your example of being level-headed and calm, always looking to de-escalate instead of escalate a situation. If you’re a teacher or an educator, we need to make it a priority to emphasize this in our classrooms, if this is not taught already, or if it is not getting the proper attention given to it. And if it is taught in the classrooms, find ways to get the parents involved in this development with their kids. The more the kids see this kind of example, the better equipped they will be to de-escalate situations rather than allow them to escalate. Think of a world where a situation starts to go south, and both human beings on each side believe in de-escalating a situation instead of escalating it. Situations would end before they get started. We need our young people to step into adulthood with the ability to have empathy towards each other, and dare I say, get to a world where we love each other and not hate each other. If we can do this, the benefits will go beyond that of just stopping a bad situation. We might just end up with strong future husbands, wives, parents, brothers, sisters, friends, and neighbors. We might just end up with great future generations to come. Let that thought sink in.
Have Character!
J. Noah Russell.
