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Raising children was never easy. I was privileged with the responsibility of raising 3 kids, 2 of whom are my stepdaughters and 1 son of my own. My stepdaughters are surely my daughters, but I only tell you about them being stepdaughters because it brings the challenge in raising your children to a whole new dynamic. When you try to discipline stepchildren, if you are not careful, you run the risk of doing the exact opposite of what you are trying to do as you try to instill in them the many things you hope for them: discipline, morals, values, work ethic, and ultimately to serve the God you know. As, I get deeper into this, hopefully I can explain further. Today, all 3 of my children are adults and the relationship we have is very strong.
Thankfully, for me, I had a great example of what it took to raise a child. My parents were good at it. They weren’t perfect, yet still they were very good at it. My father was a strong figure in the household. My mother was a strong nurturer, but very much backed the discipline of my father. In fact, in many cases she could dish it out herself. But make no mistake, Dad was the hammer.
Looking back and reflecting, there are two things I will always remember when I think back to my childhood. One, my mother and father were a cohesive parenting unit standing on the same ground, and two, never once did I ever question whether my parents loved me. And I mean that for both of them, yes, even the hammer. So how did they master that? Let me explain.
I call it “The Discipline Love Collide”. It is when both discipline and love are done in a way where both are allowed time to take hold. Love will always be the overpowering attribute here, but it cannot overstep the boundary of when discipline needs its time and space to sink in. When you get both right and done at the right time that is when love can ultimately truly abound in all of it. This is not easy to master, but your children’s lives hang in the balance. It is so crucial to make this the most important part of you being a parent.
Like any parent, I wanted to be my children’s buddy. I wanted them to love me. I wanted them to like me. I wanted them to think dad is pretty cool. I wanted them to want to hang out with me. And even though I wanted all these things, I could not let it take the place of the times when I had to be “Dad”. The disciplinarian, the hammer, the head of the household that had to be feared in the times when their actions called for discipline to be carried out. During those times, all the feelings of wanting to be liked, loved, being their buddy, wanting them to hang out with me didn’t just disappear and go away. In fact, that never left me. However, as much as I wanted those things, I could not let it cloud my responsibility to them as their Dad. I had to set my selfishness aside and understand that their futures were dependent on the upbringing I gave them. It was so much bigger than me! It had to be! God gave me the privilege to raise them. Was I to drop the ball on this job, one of the most important jobs I would ever be given in this life? Was I to not take it as serious as it truly needed to be? Was I to take the easy road instead of the right road when it came to having to teach them hard lessons they needed to learn? The answer to all those questions was “NO”!
One thing I did know was the fact that I was not going to be the perfect parent. I was not going to get everything right. However, what I also knew was this: I was going to pour out my heart and soul in trying. I was going to give it everything I had. For me, failure was not an option. I was going to fight for them. I knew this would come with moments that they wouldn’t like me very much. I wouldn’t be cool. Like my father before me, I knew that my reward would come when they became adults. When they had morals, values, and became a person of substance. When they would have something to offer their future spouses, their future employers, and their future friends and family. When they became God-fearing individuals. When they would serve the God I serve.
So as a parent, all the above sounds great, but how do you really navigate this? Well, it was a love-discipline-love combination. It needs to be done in that exact order with time for each one to set in. It is vitally important that one is not allowed to step on the toes of the other. If you’re not careful and let one bleed into the other too quickly, the whole thing falls apart…and falls apart quickly. I’ll explain.
With my stepdaughters. I believe two things were key for me: 1.) I could not fully love their mother without loving them. The two things could not be separated. What I mean by that is, you can’t fall in love with someone with kids and think you should have zero responsibility to love their children. This simply will not work, nor should it. How can you expect your significant other to tear themselves in two…one side loving you and the other side loving their kids, in spite, of you. 2.) Before I could ever discipline my stepdaughters, I had a responsibility to prove to them first, that I did love them. If they did not know I loved them when I did discipline them, then the discipline would do the exact opposite. It would push them away from what I am trying to teach them rather than draw them into learning what I was trying to teach them. With them knowing my actions were genuine because of my love for them, only then could the discipline work, correct, and help them grow. Try disciplining a child when they don’t believe you genuinely love them and watch them run in the other direction. Then watch the relationships inside your household spiral out of control until you have a household that will always struggle until it ultimately falls apart. Finally, who knows where this will leave the child in their life as they become adults. Many times, their life will be left in ruins.
With my son, I did not have to earn his love quite like I did with my stepdaughters. Since he was my own flesh and blood, I was given the benefit of the doubt that love started from the beginning unless I was to ever prove otherwise. But still then, the love-discipline-love combination kicks in all the same.
Here’s an example of how all this works: With my stepdaughters I did not start disciplining them until they called me, “Dad”. Once they did that, it was the best indication to me that I had earned their trust. I had proven my love for them and earned their love in return. Now when it was time to discipline them, they would have at least a basic understanding that it came from a genuine place. So, when my daughters did something that required harsh, tough, correction, I would discipline them and carry that out (This is never easy and the hardest thing to do). Then you had to let that discipline set in and this was key.
After some time had passed and the discipline was completed, it was now time to love them once again. I would go to them and we would talk. I would make sure they knew just how much I loved them, how hard it was to come down on them, but how important it was for them that I did not skirt my responsibility to teach them right from wrong. I would make sure they understood that failure is not final. They got their punishment and now it is time to move on and get past it. However, I would reinforce to them that if they did the same behavior, make no mistake, we would end up here again. I would give them a hug, tell them again I loved them, and let them know we are done here. Internally, I had to hold myself accountable to be consistent. If they did the same behavior again, I was committed to disciplining them once again.
You see, if the love-discipline-love combination gets fumbled here is what happens. If you go right to discipline before the love at the beginning, then it will not only NOT resonate with your child, but it will actually cause them to resent you, not trust you, even grow to despise, or even, dare I say, hate you. If you love them, then try disciplining them, but then love them too quickly without letting the discipline set in, then you become a push over in that your discipline has no meaning. It doesn’t hit its target of teaching them anything. If discipline happens without love at all, it will not be received properly by your child at all. Instead, they will mistake your discipline for you just being an evil person in their life with evil intentions. If love happens without any discipline, then you children will play you like a fiddle and never learn anything from you. Instead, they grow to be selfish, thinking the only one that matters is themself. They will always think they can take advantage of anyone in any situation. Worse even still, they will never believe their actions have consequences. Adopting that mindset will set our children up for failure in life.
With that being said, I am here to tell you that something miraculously happens when discipline and love collides correctly and consistently. The kids get it, understand it, and their behavior changes as they are molded into solid individuals. They’ll learn exactly what you are trying to teach them. Even though I spanked my kids, I only had to do it a few times and over a short period of time in their lives. Furthermore, they only got spanked for behavior that needed correcting that would have a life-long effect on their character. They didn’t get spanked for trivial things or an accident that happened in the home. And I never spanked out of anger. Shame on any parent that spanks because they are angry or for any reason other than to lovingly discipline your child. Spanking a child should NEVER come easy to a parent. If it does, that’s a problem!
Kids are smart. They pick things up quickly. My kids understood that if they did “xx” behavior it would come with “xx” consequences. But here is the real kicker…only through time, as they grow older, mature, and become adults, will it all come together full circle for them. When that happens, they will have a deep respect and love for you that will blow you away. I am a son who lived it with his father. I am a father who now lives it with his adult children. When you come out of raising children and now have a great relationship with them there is truly NOTHING like it!
The prize in all of this for you is to have children that grow up to be a success story. Not a success defined by money, fame, or fortune. Instead, a success defined by becoming a person of substance. A person that can be counted on, is honest, has values, is God-fearing, makes a difference in the world around them, and has a strong character. A person that lives a life worth living.
Parents, keep your eyes on the prize and Have Character. Your children need you!
J. Noah Russell
