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We often hear people say things like, “I have no regrets in life,” or “I wouldn’t do anything differently if I could go back” or “I live my life without regrets”…”no regrets!”…”no regrets”…NO REGRETS!” While these statements may come from a place of sincerity, confidence, positivity, or even an attempt to be strong, I’d like to dig into this a little deeper. If you’ve ever made such a statement, please don’t be put off by what I’m about to say. Rather, I hope you’ll consider my perspective and hear me out.
No matter who we are, if we’ve lived life long enough, we all look back at our lives at some point and we ask ourselves, “do I have any regrets?”
For me, this is where truth has to win out. If I am going to buy into the message that I am putting forth with the blogs on this website…one of trying to Have Character… then honesty is demanded of me. If I look back at my life and have no regrets, then I have not learned a thing. I have not learned from my mistakes. If I have no regrets, it stops me from holding myself accountable for the bad decisions I’ve made and stops me from being able to be vulnerable enough to ask for forgiveness. Even further, if I can’t be honest with myself in owning up to my mistakes, how will I ever be able to be honest with someone else? How can I expect them to be honest with me? Once I admit to the mistakes I’ve made, then it demands that I must have regrets. The two must go hand in hand. Hopefully, below I will explain why.
Now, I know that someone might call me out on this. They might say, “wait, you can admit to mistakes and still live without regrets.” Surely, you can make that argument. But might it be our pride convincing us to not have regrets? And with that comes stealing our opportunity for growth. Wouldn’t it be hard to grow, learn, and be better from the mistakes we’ve made if regrets are not tied to them? We cannot let ourselves off the hook that easy here. Putting this in proper perspective, regrets allow for accountability…accountability allows for forgiveness…forgiveness allows for healing.
At the end of the day, and maybe I am out on an island here…but I have regrets as a result of the mistakes I’ve made. My mistakes have hurt people. My mistakes have hurt me in many ways. My mistakes have failed people, even the ones I love the most. My mistakes have caused wounds that have left behind scars. How in the world can I see those scars and not have regrets? How can I be so dishonest with myself that I hide from my regrets? How selfish can I truly be? How can I let my pride win the day here?
The bottom line is, I don’t always get things right. And when I fail…when I hurt others…when I hurt myself…I must have regrets! There’s no way to get away from them.
One important side note I want to make clear here. I am not saying to dwell on the regrets and stay there. Dwelling on regrets is very unhealthy. And maybe that is what the person who says “I live with no regrets” is really trying to say. What I am saying is to acknowledge our regrets, let our guard down, be vulnerable, and use our regrets to fuel us to learn and be better because of them.
So, what does it really mean to actually have regrets? What does it mean to accept those regrets? Well, it means a desire to do the best we can to not make the same mistakes over and over again. It means regrets gives us the opportunity to be humble…maybe, just maybe, allows us to say with humility, “I messed up, I am sorry, and will you forgive me?” If we can do that, it opens up the door for us to have empathy, extend grace, and forgive others when they do wrong to us as well.
Ultimately, when two people can be vulnerable with each other by owning their regrets, their relationship will truly grow. They will pull their relationship out of the valley of hardship and climb up to the greatness of the relationship mountain top. The mountain top can only be special because of the climb to get there. Their relationship will be stronger than it was before. Oh, and by the way…getting to the mountain top means the ability to handle the next valley when it comes (and it will), only to get to the next mountain top that will be greater and sweeter than the one before it.
When your life’s journey is winding down you can look back at all the tops of the mountains you have climbed to and let it sink in just how great that relationship truly became. Don’t believe me? Ask anyone who has been married 50, 60, 70 plus years. Ask them to reflect on their life with their spouse. Watch their face light up! Watch the joy in their heart jump out of their chest! Listen to their voice struggle to find the words that can truly justify the love they have for one another. Then ask them if it was always paradise? Then watch them laugh as they reflect battling through life’s valleys together, but the smile is still there because they ultimately won those battles! You will then realize that the battles in the valleys are what made the relationship truly special, and unique to just them! You will be forever touched by it, walking away telling yourself, “man, I want that!”
So, to all of us, I want to encourage. I want to tell you it’s ok to say, “I have made mistakes and I have regrets!”…and to those that feel admitting regret steals your confidence, positive attitude, strength, control, or maybe even your self-worth… I say to you don’t buy into the lie! Instead, admitting and accepting regret offers you vulnerability, accountability, humbleness, humility, growth, truth, honesty, the opportunity to learn, and maybe the most important, the most rewarding relationships you will ever build with others. The latter is highly attractive and strong! Buying into the lie of pride to say, “I have no regrets” is actually for the weak!
Have Character!
J. Noah Russell
HAVE CHARACTER™
